do you work here?

so here i am walking down the aisle with a little cart that has a tabletop on it. i'm price changing in my huge black smock (that's literally 7 times too big for me. i could fit two of me in there) that i have to wear for work and i have my bright red lanyard with my huge name tag hanging from it. and what do all of these people ask?

"hi, do you work here?"

REALLY. FUCKING REALLY. that's a stupid question, and it deserves a stupid answer. however, due to lack of freedom of speech at my job, (don't wanna get fired or anything) i have to joke about it. here are a couple of my responses.

"...*looks down at clothes* hm... yeah, i think that's why i'm wearing the smock."

"no, i dress like this for fun." or "no, i just walk around the store for fun."

"*blank stare for at least 6 seconds*... yes. yes i do."

sometimes i say no and go back to what i'm doing for a couple seconds and see how they react. most of them will say, "yes you do, you have the smock on!" oh, really? then WHY DID YOU ASK? don't tell me it's a good way to open the fucking conversation, because it's not. what you can say to open a conversation is "hi, can i ask a question?" or "hi, can you help me with something?" NOT "hyuck hyuck, hia, do you work here?" because then i will give you a sarcastic answer and you will feel stupid and you have no one to blame but YOURSELF. however, one time when some ditz asked if i worked there and i answered 'no', she actually said, "oh, i'm sorry!!" and walked off. i had to take a second or four to compose myself and then go after her and tell her it was a joke, and asked her what she needed. do people really think i would wear this out in public? it's hideous. it makes me look like a sumo wrestler. and it swishes when i walk, like snowpants when you were a little kid. theres' no possible way i can sneak up on you. you hear me coming down the aisle. *swish, swish, swish* "hi, do you need help with anything?"

AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING I DON'T GET. here's a sample conversation:

me: "hi, is there anything i can help you with?"

customer: "no *i turn and begin to walk away* but i have a question."

...alright. cause i didn't just ask if i could help you or anything. a question is in the description of 'help'.

or something like this:

me: "hi, are you finding everything alright?"

customer: "yeah, i'm fine. where's the aloe shampoo?"

*twitch* maybe it's just me, but your being very contradictory. i feel like calling you out, but i smile, and take you to the aloe shampoo.

or if they give me attitude about it. like, it's my job to ask you if you're finding everything alright. and if i ask and you just wave me off, fine, i won't give a flying fuck about you and will not interfere with you and your shopping anymore. don't try to come up to me either, while you're still on the phone, because you're not in the right state to talk to me or ask me a question or ask my opinion. because that asshole on the phone won't stop talking to you, no matter what you say to them or how many times you tell them "hold on for a second." tell them you will call them back when you are out of the store, put the phone in your purse, and i will gladly help you with whatever it is you need. you give me your undivided attention and i will do the same for you.

i have so much more to vent about but i don't want this to cover too many topics. i'll write again later.